Something worth changing...or saving?

my gorgeous view on my drive to LA on Saturday

I'm fortunate to have a few people in my life that care about me enough to be painfully honest with me.  People to point out when I am being unfair to others and myself.  My ultimate goal in life is to be happy - which has nothing to do with circumstance or accomplishing a specific goal.  It is my belief that one step to getting there is becoming the best version of myself.  However, my desires and selfishness, my impatience and stubbornness, often get priority.  I'm highly aware of the fact that my generation is often defined by our insistence on instant gratification, and I am often guilty of possessing this immature quality.

I want to be a more centered, calm, compassionate, kind person...but sometimes I wonder if I want to change because I want to make a good impression.  I worry that in all this effort for change, if I'm losing a part of myself. I understand that I'm rather loud.  I never run out of things to say.  I blurt out too much personal information about myself.  I'm maybe a little too honest.  I expect way too much from people - especially my close friends and family.  I often take the role of victim.  I can be incredibly self aware but refuse to let my own rationality and good advice sink in.  I take things too personally and I get too emotional.  Is some of that something worth saving?  Am I fighting my true nature or just finally growing up?

I'm striving for healthier relationships, to become more generous, to be a person of worth.  I feel like I can't seek, and have no right to seek, the good relationships I want with people until I can become someone deserving of love.  I want to give more than I receive, to support people without judgment, and make people happy.  I want to be proud of who I am, not just what I've accomplished.

At the same time, I want to surround myself with people who like me for me, and don't mind the growing pains.  People who not only play devil's advocate, or point out when I'm being a moron or a martyr but can see the good in me when I can't...it's hard because I feel like this is too much to ask at times.  It's something that has to be earned, and it's hard to find people who have the patience for it, who will stop and take the time.  Right now...it feels rather impossible.