My Cardiac Muscle

my kitchen on this cloudy morning

Sometimes I feel like I was maybe designed a bit wrong, and that my tear ducts are connected directly to my heart.  I cry easier than just about anyone.  I cry from frustration, joy, and sadness.  Movies do it (even animated children's movies).  Certain albums on my iPod always get me.  Overwhelmingly, it's due to the terrible decision-making skills my heart seems to possess lately.

I live and die by my heart.  It's what led me to apply for a Swedish residency permit a mere three months after being with my Scandinavian boyfriend.  It's the reason why I find myself driving to Orange County nearly every weekend- I can't stand to be far from my family too long.  Even though I see them quite often, my heart aches when I have to say goodbye.

I always thought that once I matured a bit, it would start to dissolve.  It's never been that I don't have the ability to rationalize- I understand in so many ways why I shouldn't let something make me so upset.  However, although I can hear my own reasoning, my heart refuses to listen.  I'm stubborn in that way.  Now I'm beginning to see that it's just who I am, and that I need to make sure it doesn't let me get in my own way.
I struggle internally for it, but there are things I do appreciate about this quality in myself- I'm not one to have many regrets.  I don't have the patience for it- my heart demands it, especially when I have someone important at stake.

Alternatively, it does lead me to do pathetic things like listen to sad music first thing in the morning (today).  I war with myself in my head.  It drives me to push people, or to abandon them completely.  For so long, I've despised my over-sensitivity and emotional responses to things, but now I'm learning to embrace it.  Now I just need to teach myself how to put it to good use, and to be productive- to fight to have someone in my life.  Before, I was selfish and used this as a shield and I have some fierce anguish from that, but now I choose to let it drive me to do things that will probably break my heart all over again.  I'm really bad at letting go. Nonetheless, some people are always worth the risk.